Porn Utopia
Pornography elicits a variety of strong emotional reactions from people due to the nature of human sexuality which is both diverse and mysterious. In addition, pornography means different things to different people depending on their sexual history.
Pornography can be debated on psychological or moral grounds. However; depending on your view, if someone views pornography; it doesn’t necessarily mean they have a problem.
On the other hand, some people are more vulnerable than others to developing a problem with or an addiction to pornography. For some people pornography as a mood altering activity, like mood altering substances becomes a kind of utopia in which they can escape the realities of their life and feel euphoric. It becomes of way of suspending reality or self-medicating to deal with the stressors and difficulties of existence. They become hooked on pleasure as a means of coping with their life.
Pornography can also be viewed for some as a gateway “drug” to other sexual addiction activities including chatting sexually with others on-line, subscribing to sex websites, viewing sexual web cams, engaging in escort and prostitute services, going to topless bars, massage parlors, and engaging in other sexual activities that may be problematic due to relationship, health, legal or financial consequences.
The way we know if we have a problem with pornography is based on the frequency of viewing, the degree of negative consequences and to what extent we become powerless in stopping our engagement in pornography.
It general; it is fair to say that men and women view pornography differently. While some women may enjoy it or have an addiction to it; most do not. Men often became first aware of pornography when they were adolescents at the time of puberty when curious about their own beginning sexuality.
Pornography for a male may have been viewed and used in lieu of not being sexually active with a partner. Often as young men and women find partners their interest in viewing pornography wanes depending on the person. Some people who are into pornography may have been overtly or covertly sexually abused and pornography may have played a part in that. For men, it may have become a habitual sexual activity and a private part of their sexual history.
Pornography is a mood altering activity and like a mood altering substance can function in a variety of ways for people in coping with their lives. Pornography as a mood and brain altering activity can develop into a strong committed relationship between the user and the activity of viewing porn.
The relationship can become more problematic as the viewing of pornography becomes more progressive. Soon the relationship with Pornography consumes more and more of the person’s attention at the expense of key aspects of the person’s life and other relationships.
Viewing pornography can range from occasional viewing with little or no consequences to a destructive addiction that the person feels helpless in stopping. Pornography like other mood altering activities and substances can be engaged in for pleasure, relief, as a way of coping with day to day stressors and as means of escaping the reality of your life that you are not wanting to face.
The more you engage in viewing pornography for whatever reasons; the more likely it may become problematic and addictive depending on the individual.
Pornography becomes more problematic as your relationship with the mood altering activity starts taking up more of your time and you begin to avoid or neglect attending to key aspects of your life. This may involve your work, finances, relationships, goals and other ways that you care for yourself. As a result, you are constantly behind in your life regarding self-care, deadlines or attending to problems and challenges you need to be addressing.
This contributes to you feeling more worried, anxious and depressed, as well as feeling more and more inadequate.
Here are some of the triggers of people who have a problematic or addictive relationship with pornography.
- Feeling stressed or worried
- Feeling bored
- Wanting to avoid a task or activity that needs to be done or you don’t want to do.
- Feeling depressed or anxious
- Feeling tired
- Feeling angry
- Seeing a sexy image
- Feeling turned on
- Touching yourself in a sexual manner
- Lack of emotional intimacy in your primary relationship.
- Lack of sexual intimacy in your primary relationship.
- Ongoing anger or conflict with your partner or spouse.
- Feeling criticized or rejected on a regular basis by your partner or spouse
- Needing to take a break from other things you are focusing on.
- Wanting to reward yourself after a difficult day, problem, interaction, disappointment, conflict, etc.
Triggers often initiate a sequence of behavior and events leading up to viewing pornography. The more addictive or problematic the engaging in porn is for the individual; the more frequent and prolonged the viewing.
Patrick Carnes is his book, Contrary To Love: Helping The Sexual Addict, discusses a sexually addictive cycle involving a general sequence of events which includes:
- Preoccupation
- Ritual behavior
- Sexual Compulsivity
- Despair (Shame & Guilt)
Each individual has their own variation of the above sequence. If a person wants to be free of their addictive use of pornography then the focus needs to be on:
- Identifying compelling reasons for why they want to quit.
- Identifying problematic consequences of their use
- Identifying how the use of pornography functions in meaningful ways for them
- Describing their history of using pornography and contributing factors to problematic use
- Assessing issues and concerns related to their relationship with their sexual partner or lack of sexual partner.
- Identifying their triggers and urges
- Identifying particular sequences of behavior and events that leads to their use
- Identifying a strategy and tactics for avoiding or redirecting their movement toward use.
- Not engaging or stopping the recurring use of pornography
- Addressing issues and concerns relating to any relapses of use
- Identifying recovery strategies for altering their behavior, emotions, lifestyle and relationships so they are self-regulating in constructive ways and feeling more fulfilled in their life.
If you feel your use of pornography has become addictive or problematic for your life don’t keep fooling yourself about it. Acknowledge that for you, pornography is too compelling and you are vulnerable to it having more and more of a negative impact on your life.
Begin to read about it, join a group or talk about it with a professional therapist to help you come to terms with how it is problematic for your life, as well as what you can do about it.
Copyright 2012, Porn Utopia by M. Douglas Evans, All Rights Reserved.
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