The Fantasy World of Sex, Erotica and Pornography
Sex, erotica and pornography elicit a variety of strong emotional reactions, as well as, desire from people due to the nature of human sexuality that is both diverse and mysterious.
Sex is one of the most pleasurable experiences a person might have for those who embrace their sexuality.
Engaging in erotica or pornography can also be an expression of one’s sexuality either with or without a partner.
Erotica and pornography may be debated, in terms of psychological, relationship, moral or legal grounds, but it primarily functions as outlet for sexual fantasy.
Indulging in sexual fantasies doesn’t always mean you want to act out those fantasies in real life.
A sexual fantasy might only serve the purpose of being sexually arousing or lead to a climax, but is not something you might actually want to do with your partner or spouse.
Sexual fantasy for men, more than women, is something they go to when feeling sexual desire or when their partner or spouse is not available.
Many men started learning about sex by looking at erotica and pornography, as boys and it became a way to start to have a sex life without having a partner.
However, while it may not be for everyone, depending on your view, if someone enjoys sex, erotica or pornography, it doesn’t necessarily mean they have a problem or are a sex addict.
Erotica as well as, what may be considered pornography have been with us since humans lived in caves.
It has been considered by many throughout history as taboo or evil, but it has also been seen in some of the most beautiful art as literature, drawing, painting, pottery, sculpture, dance, theatre and film.
Pornography, as explicit erotica, has been primarily an underground phenomenon, in more recent history for particular sexual subcultures in society, until the internet and other technologies came about in the early nineties.
Since then, there has been a kind of quiet sexual revolution on-line, where anyone can access a variety of unlimited, as well as, free erotica and pornography for their own private viewing and exploration.
In addition, if people are interested they can easily find people, who have similar sexual fantasies or interests, if they want to chat, meet up, date or engage in sexual activities.
If you are single this isn’t necessarily a problem, but if you are in a couple or marital monogamous relationship, this may be seen by a partner or spouse as a significant betrayal or problematic, especially, if it involves searching for or connecting with others.
There are without a doubt, some kinds of erotica or pornography that we all may find objectionable and not in any way erotic.
Viewing erotica and pornography that involves consenting adults, does not appear abusive or coercive, does not involve human trafficking or child pornography or is not illegal in other ways, may be considered more acceptable as sexual fantasy, depending on your viewpoint.
Sex and Fantasy Is Not For Everyone
Some people, because of their conservative or religious beliefs, find most sex, erotica and pornography bad, immoral or unacceptable.
As a result, these people may be judgmental about it and want to avoid it, which is their choice.
However, others views of sex, erotica and pornography may be quite healthy and a private matter that they share only with people who have similar sexual tastes.
There are also some people who may be more vulnerable, than others, to developing a problem or becoming out of control with their viewing of erotica, pornography or engaging in other sexual activities.
For them, for a variety of reasons, sexual fantasy, sexual desire, erotica, pornography, fetishes and sexual activities, for example, are so highly charged, it becomes a very compelling mood altering and pleasurable experience that is difficult to not engage in.
For some people it becomes a sexual utopia or sanctuary, where they go to find pleasure, peace comfort and escape from the stressors and problems they face in their life.
This doesn’t necessarily mean they have a sex addiction, but it can mean they are engaging more than they want or at times feel out of control with respect to stopping and the amount of time they devote to it.
In fact, most clients that I work with who have concerns about their sex lives or where their viewing of erotica or pornography and other sexual activities feels out of control are not sex addicts.
They are just too focused on sex to the exclusion of other aspects of their lives and that causes them additional stressors, as well as, unnecessary problems.
I have encountered people in my practice, who for a variety of reasons, feel they are obsessed with sex, erotica or pornography and compulsively acting out sexually in ways they don’t want or can’t stop.
Often, there are severe unwanted or negative consequences associated with their sexual practices for themselves, as well as, for their couple or marital relationship, job, career, health, finances or legally.
People who may be severely out of control sexually or seem to have a sex addiction may be best served by finding an inpatient treatment program that specializes in treating sex addiction along with other problems that may be related, such as substance use.
As I said, most people I work with don’t fall into this category.
Most people I work with who are presenting with some concerns about their engagement in sex, erotica or pornography may not have a sexual partner or may have a sexual partner who has less sexual desire or no desire for sex.
There may be other problems in their couple or marital relationship, resulting in chronic conflict or a poor emotional connection, as well as, a lack of sexual intimacy.
In general, they may be experiencing too many problematic events or stressors in their work and personal life and as a result, have become overly focused on using sex, erotica or pornography as a means of coping.
If they don’t have a sexual partner or their partner or spouse is not as interested in sexual intimacy as they are, they begin outsourcing their sexual desire to experience arousal and sexual expression through erotica, pornography or other sexual outlets.
This may not be the sexual experiences or intimacy they are really looking for but, from their stand point, it is more important to have some kind of sex life and a way of coping rather than no sex life.
They may be turning to sex, erotica and pornography too much, when they are feeling worried, stressed, bored, anxious, depressed, tired, angry, as well as, when they can’t face problems they need to address or simply because they have some sexual desire and want a sexual release.
As mentioned, they may be lacking something in their couple relationship, in terms of emotional connection or sexual intimacy.
There may be unresolved chronic conflict, criticism, rejection or emotional abuse, meaning they don’t feel they can get the support or needs met from their couple relationship.
Most couples have differences, overall, in sexual desire and inevitably, will have differences, at times, in their relationships due to individual and couple stressors they are experiencing.
Sometimes, I have male clients who come in for therapy, at the directions of their spouse, due to viewing of pornography and masturbating on a regular basis.
This sometimes, in addition, to being related to couple or marital relationship problems, is more a difference in sexual desire between partners or spouses.
These men often report their partners or spouses are critical and shaming of them for their sexual desire and make them feel something is wrong with them or tell them they are sex addicts, if their sexual desire seems more than is what acceptable to them.
By the way, female clients have also presented with similar concerns, namely that they have more sexual desire than their spouse or partner, are being shamed or find themselves looking for other sexual outlets or means of expressing their sexuality.
Both males and female may not have other means of adequately coping with their problems and stressors so they gradually become overly focused or out of control using sex, erotica or pornography to cope and experience sexual pleasure.
In general, men tend to find erotica or pornography more appealing than women.
Women, in general, may be more interested in romance novels than viewing sexually imagery.
Both men and women may be prone to searching behaviors whether that is searching for particular sexual imagery or chatting with others in a sexual matter.
Sometimes, the latter may lead to meeting with people face-to-face, hook-ups or having ongoing emotional or sexual affairs while already in a primary couple or marital relationship.
In working with individuals and couples concerned about their problematic sexual behavior or differences in sexual desire and activities, I help them better understand the contributing factors to their problematic behavior related to sex, erotica or pornography.
We discuss how their problematic sexual behavior functions in positive ways, as well as, its negative consequences for themselves and their partner or spouse.
We might also need to address other difficulties in their lives that are major contributors to their problematic sexual behavior such as lack of a partner, children problems, family difficulties, as well as, work, job, career issues, financial issues, and health issues that are making it difficult to cope.
We identify triggers and urges related to their problematic sexual behavior, whether that involves viewing erotica, pornography, other on-line sexual activities, chatting, hooking up, hiring escorts, going to massage parlors, or pursuing other sexual outlets that may be problematic.
Triggers often initiate a sequence of behaviors and events that are sexually arousing leading to searching for opportunities to engage in problematic sexual behavior or activities.
This may lead to negative narratives and emotional states contributing to the person feeling anxious, depressed, demotivated, guilty, remorseful, or hopeless regarding other aspects of their lives.
We also discuss and develop a picture of the kind of sex life and sexual intimacy they would like to have instead of the problematic sexual behavior.
We identify steps and action in working toward that on a regular basis, while avoiding past sequential behavior patterns that have lead to the problematic sexual behavior.
The focus is on avoiding problematic sexual behavior while working toward achieving a more meaningful or healthy sex life that fits for them.
Avoiding sex or demonizing sex is usually not therapeutic and tends to compound the problem, as well as, likely lead to the person falling back into the problematic sexual behavior at some point.
Copyright 2017, The Fantasy World of Sex, Erotica and Pornography, by M. Douglas Evans, All Rights Reserved.
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